The Last Evil

by David Vardeman

About the Author: David Vardeman was born and raised in Iowa and currently lives in Maine. His short fiction has appeared in numerous print and online magazines.

Excerpt

“As for the martyrdom I am undergoing from this reinforced flannel, my tongue fails me,” Mrs. Box said to Mr. Box one morning at breakfast.

Mr. Box studied her. He tensed and relaxed the skin around his eyes. Finally he said, “My flannel kisses my skin. What do you use to reinforce yours?”

“Canvas.”

“Try silk.”

“Silk isn’t punishing enough,” she said.

“Must flannel punish?”

“Father Ax told us the rudeness of flannel is worth three hail Marys and five glory be’s.”

Mr. Box set aside his toast. “The subtleties of religion are beyond me.”

“If you had gone to parochial school,” she said, “you would know the value of chafing.”

“We had athlete’s foot in public school.”

“There is not the same efficacy to athlete’s foot as there is to chafing. Chafing is a penance you take on willingly. Athlete’s foot is something you catch from other little boys, boys who don’t even know the value of their own souls. They are damned until they graduate and apply to Jesuit universities.”

“I don’t believe this is church doctrine.”

“By your own admission, the subtleties of religion are beyond you. If you don’t know what the subtleties of religion are, how can you know what they are not?”

“What will you do for fun today?” he said.

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