The First Law Of Plumbing

by Josh Pachter

About the Author: Josh Pachter was the 2020 winner of the Short Mystery Fiction Society's Golden Derringer Award for Lifetime Achievement. He also won the Derringer for Best Flash Story that year — for "The Two-Body Problem," which originally appeared in Mystery Magazine's October 2019 issue. In addition to writing, Josh also edits anthologies — most recently PARANOIA BLUES: CRIME FICTION INSPIRED BY THE SONGS OF PAUL SIMON — and translates fiction and nonfiction from Dutch and other languages.

Excerpt

“Knock it off,” Harry growls, “or I’ll punch your teeth down your stupid throat.”

“Knock what off?” sez I, offended like. “I ain’t doin’ nothing.”

“You’re chewing your fingernails,” Harry sez.

“So?”

“So every time we pull a job, you get all antsy—and when you get antsy you chew your fingernails.”

“What’s it to you?” sez I. “They’re my fingernails.”

“It gets on my nerves, Alan. I told you ten thousand times: we’re on a job, I don’t need you creeping me out. Besides, you’re breaking the Third Law of Plumbing.”

“Plumbing has laws now?”

“Plumbing’s always had laws, nincompoop. Every plumber knows that.”

I should point out here that Harry and me are not plumbers. Yeah, we slap magnetic signs on the sides of the van when we pull a job—Acme Plumbers, like in one a them Roadrunner cartoons—but we are not plumbers.

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