Absolutely

by Jim Courter

About the Author: Jim Courter’s short stories have appeared in the United States, Canada, and England. He is a Pushcart Prize nominee and has won an Illinois Arts Council award for short fiction. His essays have appeared in The Chronicle of Higher Education, Smithsonian, and on the op-ed pages of the Chicago Tribune and The Wall Street Journal. His mystery novel, Rhymes with Fool, was published in 2018 by Peasantry Press.

Excerpt

There aren’t many people I dislike immediately, on sight, but Kennard Uffitt was one. He came into my office looking arrogant, smug, condescending, self-absorbed. The Germans have a word for a mug such as his: Backpfeifengesicht—a face that’s badly in need of a fist. He sat across my desk from me before I could invite him to do so.

“You’re Barry Pool?” he said.

“The one and only,” I said. “Who are you and what can I do for you?”

He introduced himself and said, “You can get someone off by back.”

I recognized the name. He had made his fortune in cheese. “UFFITT’S CHEESE—WISCONSIN’S BEST” according to the ubiquitous ads.

“And who might that be?” I said.

“I wish I knew.”

“Tell me what you do know.”

He crossed his arms over his chest and screwed up his face in distaste.

“One of my pet peeves,” he said, “is people who take up two parking spaces.”

I nodded. “Very annoying.”

“Absolutely. Especially when those two spaces are the last two available.”

“Leaving no place to park.”

“Absolutely. That’s why I’m here. Last week I pulled into the Walgreens parking lot on North Avenue, and there was this beat-up, rusty Ford pickup, straddling the line separating two spaces at a skewed angle.”

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